QUANTICO, VA — Following yet another violent tragedy that took innocent young lives, the Federal Bureau of Investigation assured the public that the next ten mass shooters were also on their radar.
Citizens expressed confusion after the FBI admitted that the latest shooter was someone the agency was aware of. Still, an FBI spokesman promised the American people that not only was this shooter on the bureau's radar, but the next ten perpetrators of mass casualty were as well.
"The public can rest easy knowing that we're fully aware of the next several shooters," said FBI Special Agent Owen Gaffney. "We have multiple individuals under close surveillance at this time, and we are confident that each of them will eventually become a mass murderer. The American people can have full confidence in the FBI to keep watching these suspects so we can identify them and notify the public immediately after they do something truly horrific."
When asked if the FBI needed to make changes to the way it handles potential mass shooters in the future, Gaffney said things were working perfectly as they are. "We have a foolproof process," he said. "Look at our track record of knowing about all of these dangerous people before they do terrible things. We've got them pegged, sometimes for months or years beforehand. We've already got the list of the next ten shooters. Just watch. You'll know we're telling the truth as soon as the shootings happen."
At publishing time, the FBI admitted that it had been too busy training would-be Trump assassin Thomas Crooks to do anything to prevent the latest school shooting.