CHICAGO, IL — With the top personalities of the Democratic Party gathering in the Windy City this week to officially nominate Kamala Harris for president, news broke late last night that President Joe Biden had been found in a dumpster behind the DNC convention center.
Following his keynote speech on Monday night, Biden was ushered off of the stage and quickly discarded with other used-up and unwanted items, where he was later discovered by a group of homeless men looking for food.
"Hey, is that the president?" one of the filthy vagrants reportedly asked after seeing Biden's legs protruding from the dumpster. "I'd know that shuffling movement anywhere. My friends and I rushed over to help him out of the dumpster, and sure enough, it was Joe Biden. I guess the Democrats finally decided they had gotten what they wanted and didn't need him anymore."
After retrieving the leader of the free world from the garbage, the transients asked Biden how he ended up there. "Listen, fellas," Biden said. "They told me there was an ice cream truck out behind the building. As soon as I stepped outside, some guys grabbed me and threw me in the trash. Can you believe it? The idea… that the president could be tossed aside like a bag of… just like a bag of… like a… stuff. Anyway… I appreciate the help. You know, I was homeless once. Back in Delaware… after I was a lifeguard… me and… and… Corn Pop. Homeless. Anyway…"
At publishing time, the bums said Biden had shuffled off into the night to find his wife, Jill, and ask where the ice cream truck went.