NEW YORK, NY — Following testimony from disbarred attorney Michael Cohen that legal experts said was damaging to their case against former President Donald Trump, prosecutors filed a motion in court today for a "do-over."
Citing an obscure and ambiguous legal precedent, the prosecution sought to start the entire case over again in an attempt to try again without completely destroying their case and making fools of themselves on a national scale.
"We'll try again and actually prepare this time," said one prosecutor when the motion was filed. "We admittedly made the mistake of coming into this case with no gameplan whatsoever and expected to just win without doing any research or work or anything. In hindsight, building our entire strategy the night before the trial started and having it hinge on the testimonies of an adult film star and a disbarred lawyer who was convicted of perjury may not have been the best idea. That's why we're officially filing a motion for a do-over."
Trump's legal team immediately cried foul. "No do-overs!" said defense attorney Todd Blanche. "Before the trial began, we presented a brief to the court that specified no do-overs, no backsies. Triple-stamped, no erasies. Objections are subject to double-dog-dares and all instances of "jinx" must be remedied with the purchase of a Coke. It's all documented and approved by the court. No do-overs. Any claims otherwise by the prosecution may be grounds for us to file a counter-motion of ‘Liar Liar Pants-On-Fire.'"
At publishing time, in case the do-over motion was not granted by the court, the prosecution was preparing to file a motion to have the judge decide the case by a game of "Eeny Meeny Miney Moe."