VATICAN — In a rare instance of its viewpoints aligning with divine truth, the Vatican announced that it had reluctantly sided with God on the subject of gender theory.
Despite its ongoing efforts to blur the lines of objective morality and evolve the Catholic Church into a more progressive entity, the Vatican said it had no choice but to take the same position held by Almighty God and condemn gender theory.
"We don't do this very often," said one Vatican spokesman. "It's always our policy to try to find a workaround to avoid siding with God on these types of things, but we couldn't really stay away from it this time around. You got us on this one, Lord. As much as His Holiness may dislike it, we're going to stand with God on this."
Pope Francis has built a reputation for espousing far more progressive positions on other geopolitical and social topics like climate change and immigration but felt forced to adopt a biblical view. "He spent a lot of time trying to come up with a different solution," the spokesman said. "In the end, he just shook his head and decided we would side with God. It's not our favorite thing to do anymore, but sometimes we have to do it."
Religious experts expressed surprise that an institution made up entirely of men who wear frilly, ornate robes would express opposition to drag queens and men identifying as women.
At publishing time, the Vatican assured fans that its next policy stance would be far more immoral and counter to God's Word.