NEW YORK, NY — After news broke that the bond amount in his fraud case had been lowered from $454 million to $175 million, former President Donald Trump announced he would pay the bond in its entirety with bags of nickels.
Trump notified the court that preparations had already been made for a fleet of armored trucks to arrive at the courthouse and begin unloading cases and cases of freshly minted and rolled nickels totaling $175 million.
"Beautiful, shiny nickels. So many nickels," Trump said in his announcement. "It's a total sham that I have to pay anything, but now that the bond amount has been significantly reduced, I will now pay it in full with five-cent pieces. Our wonderful U.S. nickel. Thomas Jefferson on one side. We love Thomas Jefferson, don't we, folks? I hope Letitia James loves him too, because she's going to be seeing $175 million worth of him. I win once again, just like I will in November, believe me. Bigly!"
New York Attorney General Letitia James had her staff searching through state laws in an effort to find a way to prevent Trump from paying his bond in change to no avail. "He won't get away with this," James was overheard saying. "He thinks he can dump $175 million in nickels in my office? Time to cook up another baseless lawsuit."
At publishing time, Trump was reportedly facing new indictment charges for failing to fall into financial ruin by the previous set of indictment charges.