WASHINGTON, D.C. — After months of debate, Congressional Republicans have opted to concede on portions of a vital immigration deal in exchange for some really cool magic beans.
"It's important that we secure our nation's borders," said Republican Senator James Lankford, R-Okla. "On the other hand, check out these cool beans a funny-looking old man gave me. These could fix everything!"
The beans were reportedly handed over to Lankford by an enfeebled Chuck Schumer while the other was on his way to a meeting with Senators Chris Murphy, D-Conn., and Kyrsten Sinema, I-Ariz. According to sources, Schumer explained that he would give Lankford some magic beans in exchange for going soft on immigration.
"You may have the majority in the House, but you don't have these magic beans," said the funny-looking old man as he pulled five strange-looking beans out of his pocket. "If you plant them overnight, by morning they grow right up to the sky."
Witnesses report Lankford was beyond amazed. "Wow! Golly gee wiz, mister!" Lankford had said before agreeing to concede to open borders and include funding for Ukraine and Israel even though that has nothing to do with immigration.
House Speaker Mike Johnson has dragged Lankford through the proverbial coals for accepting such a deal. "Have you been such a fool, such a dolt, such an idiot, as to compromise on immigration for a set of paltry beans?" Johnson screamed. "And as for your precious beans here they go out of the window!"
At publishing time, the magic beans had grown into a magnificent border wall overnight.