BROWNSVILLE, TX — With his approval hovering near record lows, President Biden made a trip to the Southern Border today and promised to begin pretending to care about it.
"Listen folks, here's the deal. I don't care about the border," said the President to a Border Patrol horse he mistook for an agent. "But as I stand here today, I vow to begin pretending to care. I will do this until my approval numbers go up a few points. As long as the border continues to stay wide open and let millions of people in, by golly, I will really feign concern."
Biden then began to tell a moving story about how his son once died while trying to cross the border.
"The nation is breathing a sigh of relief this afternoon, knowing that Biden really looks like he almost cares," said CNN anchor Jake Tapper. "Just look at his furrowed brow and concerned-looking eyes. No one can simulate sympathy like President Biden. Wow, what a great guy."
At publishing time, Biden's realistic-looking concern was interrupted by him being trampled over by a crowd of 5,000 border-crossers from Somalia.