WASHINGTON, DC — In a moving show of piety and devotion, President Joe Biden announced this week he will be foregoing any and all cognitive tests for the Catholic observance of Lent.
"I love being Catholic, I've been a devout member of the church my entire life, from when I was a boy and my dad used to take me to mass and the guys were there, you know…the guys?" Biden commented to reporters this week. "Anyway, I've decided for Lent I'm going to give up taking those tests…uhhhh….you know the ones…the tests that help tell if I'm…cognithurbitubathghhhhh…you know the ones."
Devout Catholics celebrate Lent to remember the 40 days Jesus fasted in the wilderness as told in the Bible. The Biden Administration told the press the President's commitment to honoring these holy days by giving up something so important shows his dedication and devotion to his faith.
"No president in the history of the country has loved his faith more than President Joe Biden," White House Spokesperson Karine Jean-Pierre told the press. "His commitment to giving up cognitive tests for the next 40 days, and perhaps even forever, shows how deeply devoted he is to his religion and to the people of the United States."
At publishing time, Biden had announced he was also considering giving up talking in coherent sentences, walking in a straight line, and taking live, unscripted questions from the press as part of Lent to show his deep love for the Catholic church.