PALM BEACH, FL — Following former President Donald Trump's landslide victory in the Iowa Primary and immediate concession by GOP candidate Vivek Ramaswamy, Trump offered an olive branch by promising the billionaire entrepreneur a cabinet position running the White House 7-Eleven convenience store.
"I've always said Vivek was a great man, one of the greatest men, to be honest," said Trump during a victory speech. "That's why I've graciously offered him this incredible opportunity, a once-in-a-lifetime chance to run our big, beautiful White House convenience store. It's a tremendous, wonderful place."
"Under Biden, the White House doesn't even have a 7-Eleven. Not good! We're going to bring convenience back to the West Wing!"
Trump went on to say that he'll work closely with Ramaswamy every day when he takes office, stopping by the official 7-Eleven store located in the halls of the West Wing several times a day for a Diet Coke and "one of those delicious warmed-up cheeseburgers under the hot light thingies."
Ramaswamy quickly began training for the position, watching official 7-Eleven franchisee training videos on how to fix the Slurpee machine and offer fast service ringing up Big Gulps.
"Technically, I'm really very overqualified for this," Ramaswamy told reporters. "And I'm a little suspicious as to why Trump chose me for this position over some of the other candidates. But I'll take what I can get at this point."
When questioned, Trump was horrified at the accusations that any kind of racial stereotyping played into his selection of Ramaswamy. "I wanted to offer the job to DeSantis, frankly, but he's too short to see over the little hot dog display."