BOSTON, MA — As new studies reveal a significant decline in student literacy in the United States, experts examining the data have concluded the problem stems from there not being enough drag queen story hours in American libraries.
"Having grown male fetishists in underwear read to our children would fix all of this," said Dr. Cassandra McJazz, who is neither a doctor nor female. "These fascist crusades to ban Drag Queen Story Hour in libraries across the country are clearly having a devastating effect on students' ability to read. We must give drag queens direct access to children in this country now!"
Citizens and lawmakers alike were stunned and left with grave concern over the future of education in the country after new information showed a substantial deficiency among American youth in basic literacy. "We're barreling rapidly toward becoming a nation of total imbeciles," said Mark Graves, an expert on the subject of child literacy. "Public policy and reluctance to hold teachers and students to any reasonable standard will eventually result in the U.S. being comprised of idiots. We must bring in extra drag queens immediately."
At publishing time, with public concern on the rise, the Biden administration reportedly ordered increased production of drag queens to place one in every local library. "Times of crises require drastic measures," said black and gay White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, who is gay and black. "The President takes this situation very seriously. All federal funds will now be directed toward Drag Queen Story Hours."