AUGUSTA, ME — In a move designed to push back against criticism that they have a track record of rigging elections in secret, Democrats have now adopted a policy of rigging elections in broad daylight so everyone in the country can see it.
"We are being entirely transparent about our election interference," said Maine Secretary of State Shenna Bellows after announcing former President Donald Trump will not be allowed on the 2024 primary ballot. "Any wild allegations of covert efforts to rig elections are simply preposterous. As anyone can clearly see, the steps we are taking to interfere with and rig the outcome of our elections are being done in plain sight. This is a win for democracy."
Bellows's decision to rule Trump ineligible to be included on the state's ballot came on the heels of a hotly debated ruling by the Colorado Supreme Court that also attempted to keep Trump's name off the ballot in that state. Though serious questions have been raised regarding the legitimacy of elections, Democrats deny any secret plots. "We aren't hiding anything," Bellows said. "Everyone can see what the FBI and DOJ are doing. All these baseless indictments aren't being made in secret. Heck, I made a public announcement about taking him off the ballot. I don't know where these accusations of us covertly rigging the election are coming from."
At publishing time, top Democrat powerbrokers were reportedly also preparing to begin operations in every state to rule all Republican voters ineligible to vote in any elections in order to save democracy.