Being an FBI agent is a sweet gig — excitement, carrying a badge and gun, wearing one of those cool "FBI" windbreakers, spying on law-abiding citizens, and cracking down on dangerous terrorists like Auntie Mable who voted for Trump. But how does one become an FBI agent?
The Babylon Bee is here to give you a leg up on the competition with the top 9 things the Bureau looks for when screening potential candidates.
- You always got in trouble at school for being a tattletale: Willingness to snitch on your fellow citizens is priority number one.
- You shout "domestic terrorist!" at every image in a Rorschach test: Even when it was clearly an image of your parents fighting.
- When your neighbor hasn't returned your leaf blower, you kick in his front door at 2 A.M. carrying an AR-15: The only sensible response.
- You were a Sega Genesis kid: Self-explanatory.
- You're absolutely convinced Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone: This is a non-negotiable.
- Your favorite part of watching a movie is the FBI piracy warning: Reading the criminal penalties for bootlegging movies is always better than the movies themselves.
- You cried when Old Yeller was shot using an unregistered gun: How did those monsters get away with it?
- You think pedophiles are just misunderstood: You're hired!
- You hate freedom: Enough of this liberty crap — it's time to oppress the populace.
The FBI runs a tight ship and only takes the cream of the crop, but if the list above fits you, you've got a bright future as a FED!