WASHINGTON, DC — House Republicans were relieved nothing globally significant happened this week while they hashed out who will replace ousted Kevin McCarthy as the next Speaker of the House.
"So lucky it's been a quiet, dull week!" Rep. Matt Gaetz told reporters. "No rush whatsoever on our little civil war here. Aw, hang on…getting another spam call from an international phone number."
Polls show the American people are thrilled with the way the GOP is handling their current agenda items and are not at all worried about having no central leadership in the only house of Congress they currently control.
"Democracy is messy," Republican voter Rachel Garder said. "It's not like we need them to worry about, say, a massive invasion involving one of our closest allies. They should take all the time they need to hash this out. I'm looking forward to vote after failed vote for a slate of potential Speakers. It makes us look decisive and totally in control."
The front-runner for the top spot, Rep. Jim Jordan, was nominated in a secret meeting Thursday, then lost a floor vote, won a floor vote, lost a vote to see who would take out the congressional trash, won a vote to pick lunch, and then finally, lost another floor vote for Speaker. As of this writing, Matt Gaetz and Thomas Massie were seen locked in an arm wrestle to determine whose turn it was to feed the GOP goldfish.