GAZA — With the Israeli military continuing its strikes in Gaza, terrorist organization Hamas released a statement clarifying that it intended to start a war in which its members are the only ones allowed to attack and kill anyone, and the other side can't fight back in any way.
"We believe our intentions have been misunderstood," said Hamas spokesman Zadiq Mohammed Al-Durkadurka. "We didn't want to start the kind of war where the other side can retaliate and start shooting back. We want the kind where we do the killing. Only us, please. We are sorry for the confusion. Death to Israel, thank you."
Following the deadly terrorist attacks on Israeli civilians that left more than 1,400 people dead. Israel vowed swift and fierce retaliation against Hamas. The counterattacks reportedly caught the terrorists off-guard, as they were expecting a war in which they had free reign without any chance of Israel doing anything about it whatsoever. "You should've seen the looks on their faces when we rolled in with our tanks," said one Israeli soldier. "It was almost as if they were under the impression they could viciously murder thousands of innocent people without any repercussions. We're just going to do a normal war, though. So, yeah."
Hamas continued to cry foul as Israel continued its retaliatory onslaught. "Our allies in the U.S. will hear about this!" shouted Al-Durkadurka. "Someone get the Squad on the phone immediately!"
At publishing time, Hamas leaders were last heard asking if they were allowed to call a timeout to regroup.