Capitalists and communists have been at each other's throats for years — but why? Aren't they, deep down, all just the same? To find out, we recruited a team of expert political scientists to explain the key differences between these two ideologies so we can feel smarter.
Here are ten major differences between capitalism and communism:
Difference #1:
Under capitalism, the Starbucks barista sometimes gets your order wrong.
Under communism, there is no Starbucks and you've been dead for thirty years.
Difference #2:
Under capitalism, going to the grocery store is such a chore. There are too many choices!
Under communism, the bread lines only stock official Government Bread™, so you don't have to make any decisions whatsoever. Simple!
Difference #3:
Under capitalism, you can feast on more delicacies than ancient kings could ever have imagined.
Under communism, also true. Haha, just kidding. You were dreaming of such things in Gulag.
Difference #4:
Under capitalism, people can enjoy millions of streaming TV shows and movies.
Under communism, you get to watch the Super Most Excellent Life of Kim Jong-Un Happy Fun Hour every single day. Or you go to Gulag.
Difference #5:
Under capitalism, big tech companies spy on you on behalf of the government.
Under communism, the government spies on you directly - much more honest and efficient.
Difference #6:
Under capitalism, free enterprise has fostered unprecedented innovation and growth in industry, technology, and the arts.
Under communism, the greatest technical innovation was the pickaxe for working in the slave mines. OK, maybe Tetris too. Communism wins this round.
Difference #7:
Under capitalism, the national pastime is baseball.
Under communism, the national pastime is beating enemies of the state with sticks. Which is kind of like baseball, but less boring.
Difference #8:
Under capitalism, everyone owns his or her own automobile.
Under communism, the village shares one ox cart. Also, the ox is dead and you are eating it for food. Also, you were just dreaming that you are eating an ox for food, because you are in Gulag.
Difference #9:
Under capitalism, healthcare costs, like, $50,000 for an Advil.
Under communism, suicide is completely free.
Difference #10:
Under capitalism, Disney continues to make tons of Star Wars movies.
Under communism, there are no Disney Star Wars movies whatsoever. Communism is sounding pretty good, actually.