WASHINGTON, DC — The president is missing! A source confirmed late Tuesday night that President Biden, apparently spooked by Independence Day fireworks, piddled on a rug before bolting in terror into the woods behind the White House.
The anonymous source said Jill forgot to lock Joe in his crate before the fireworks started, causing him to startle at the loud noise. "He started running in circles, then he peed all over the rug in the bedroom and made a break for it through an open kitchen door," the source said.
"Unfortunately, the President's son Hunter left the back gate open, as he was meeting with a pharmaceutical representative in the alley out back," the source added. "The President bolted off into the woods and hasn't been seen since!"
Authorities say the missing president has a fondness for sniffing hair and is particularly friendly with children. However, he is very old and fragile and should not be approached. "If you see him, please don't chase him," said White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. "Remember, he's approximately 560 in dog years."
In addition to putting out traps baited with ice cream, Secret Service agents spent the night combing the woods for any sign of the President. At publishing time, the only thing they found was Vice President Kamala Harris in the woods with a large stockpile of spent fireworks.