WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Pentagon defended its position of promoting and funding abortions for servicemembers this week, saying that abortion provides the military with a valuable opportunity to become proficient in killing innocent people.
"Killing starts at home," said an unusually passionate Pentagon Spokesman John Kirby to reporters. "If we can convince our women in uniform to kill their own beautiful, pure, innocent children, there's no limit to who they will kill for the United States Government."
"This is just good training."
Sources confirmed that female servicemembers will be actively encouraged to kill their own offspring on the taxpayer's dime whenever possible. Women with the most abortions will be awarded with commendations, ribbons, and medals to recognize their willingness to murder babies for their country.
"If we train soldiers to kill babies in America, they will be much better equipped to kill babies in Lebanon, Yemen, or wherever. That's what it's all about!" said Kirby. "U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!"
At publishing time, President Biden reaffirmed the Pentagon's position, saying that killing America's babies was absolutely necessary in order to protect them.