REHOBOTH, DE — President Biden has retired for the weekend to his beach house in Delaware, enjoying a well-deserved rest after working a brutal five hours over this past week.
"President Biden has simply run himself ragged in service to our county," Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre told the press. "He showed off his incredible, youthful vigor by putting in an astounding five hours of work this week, marking a four-hour increase from previous weeks. Biden will need an extended break at his beach house to recover from the strain."
Biden's accomplishments over the past week ranged from staring blankly at members of the press corps while they shouted questions, reading reporters' questions to them from cards he'd been given in advance, sharing folksy anecdotes about how much his dad loved the gays back in 19-dickety-2, and telling people without legs not to jump. Sources close to the president said they haven't seen him this energetic since a shampoo factory opened down the street from his beach house. "It's remarkable," a presidential aide remarked. "He started working after lunch, then plowed right through his post-lunch nap. One day he worked all the way to 2:30! The guy's a machine."
At publishing time, citizens across the nation were waiting in rapt anticipation to see just how much damage Biden could do next week with just a few hours of work.