OAKLAND, CA — A historic change is set to take place in the landscape of Major League Baseball, as the Oakland Athletics announced plans to purchase land in Las Vegas, Nevada to build a new stadium and relocate. Insiders report that the final decision was made after yet another homeless camp appeared along the first base line during the team's most recent homestand.
"There's just no way we can keep playing here," said A's Executive Vice President Billy Beane. "I've been a part of this organization for a very long time, and I've come to love the city of Oakland…but, man…trying to play baseball under these conditions is brutal. Our first base coach just contracted hepatitis, for crying out loud!"
The team hopes relocating to Las Vegas will both give the organization a fresh start as well as light a fire under the struggling team. "I think it's a chance to turn things around," said Manager Mark Kotsay. "This environment was really creating some weird challenges. Poor Tony Kemp was picked off of first base last week after he slipped on a pile of human feces. A change of scenery could really help us out!"
City leaders are considering allowing the entire Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum to become one giant homeless colony. "It's been mostly empty for years, anyway, even during games," said one official. "If the stadium already smells like urine and is infested with rats, why not just let nature runs its course?"
At publishing time, A's executives expressed confidence that relocating their players to a city full of hedonism, excess, and gambling would yield great results.