WASHINGTON, D.C. — Amid outrage over former President Trump being indicted for a misdemeanor past the statute of limitations, Democrats have urged citizens to remain calm and let the justice system do its work, reminding everyone that Trump is guilty until proven guilty.
"Our Constitution is clear," said Chuck Schumer in a statement. "The accused is innocent until proven guilty unless the accused is a smelly, no-good, poopyface with orange hair and with the last name of 'Trump.' It says that somewhere in Article something, Section whatever-or-so!"
"No one is above the law!"
Sources say Trump will be fingerprinted, after which a mugshot for 2024 DNC campaign commercials will be taken. After arraignment, the word "GUILTY" will be written on Trump's forehead in Sharpie so he can be paraded through the streets as Democrats throw rotten cabbage at him. Trump will then be counted as guilty until someone, somewhere can find a crime he's guilty of.
"This is how the founders designed our justice system to work," said AOC while pounding nails into a gallows scaffolding on Capitol Hill. "We need to let the process play out."
At publishing time, Manhattan's DA confirmed he was extremely close to finding a real crime.