WASHINGTON, D.C. — Authorities have been dispatched to the White House lawn after reports of a creepy old man shouting to people that he thinks of everyone's kids as his own.
"There's no such thing as someone else's child!" shouted the demented geriatric. "They're all mine! Not a joke! Give them to me!" He then reached out and tried to grab a passing baby out of his stroller before his mother shrieked and ran away.
"Your kids aren't yours! They're all mine! Lemme smell your kids!" the confused senior was heard shouting at a nearby statue of Andrew Jackson before several aides tackled him and dragged him to safety.
"You know, this guy is making a ton of sense," said Randi Weingarten, President of the American Federation of Teachers. "All kids should belong to the State and to suggest otherwise is white supremacy."
At publishing time, the deranged old man had claimed to be running for President of the United States.