NEW YORK, NY — With the results of a recent poll indicating 74% of Americans no longer trust the mainstream media, analysts were greatly troubled by the fact that an alarming 26% of people still trust what the media tells them.
"It really is frightening," said Micah Schmidt, lead research analyst for Gallup. "It beggars belief that one out of four Americans still trust the journalists who have done nothing but tear the country apart with a steady diet of lies and hatred. We are either far dumber - or far crazier - than anyone could have imagined."
To push the envelope even further, Schmidt said the team also polled a sample of the American public on a variety of other topics. "In addition to 26% of people in this country still believing the media, we subsequently found out that a similar number — 24% — believe that the Easter Bunny is not only real but that he is a lead advisor to President Biden. We also found that 28% of Americans still believe weapons of mass destruction will be found in Iraq, some two decades after the war. Most frighteningly, a whopping 72% of American women find Adam Driver attractive, which chills me to the bone."
These findings have led Schmidt and other analysts to call for greater urgency in starting World War III with Russia. "If these numbers are any indication," Schmidt said, "it's best to just end the world as we know it."
At publishing time, Schmidt was conducting one last poll to find out how many Americans actually think The Hangover is funny.