“Guess we’re not getting a pizza party this week."
WASHINGTON — A White House staffer changed the “days without a security incident” sign back to zero this morning after aides found additional classified documents in President Biden’s personal residence, sources confirmed today.
“Guess we’re not getting a pizza party this week,” said Kenneth Franklin, a 23-year-old West Wing staffer, after he changed the sign and lumbered back to his desk. “It was my turn to pick this month, too — it’s just not fair.”
Franklin and his colleagues were required to change the sign from four days back to zero after the revelation that aides found additional classified documents in the President's garage, private office, and in the glovebox of his 1981 Camaro. Staffers were not the only White House employees unhappy about the revelation.
“You got any Xanax?” the White House security manager asked as she poured something from a flask into a coffee cup and stubbed a cigarette out on her armchair.
"I can't keep up with these idiots. Last month Hunter [Biden] expanded his 'art' business from painting to paper mache sculptures. Problem is, they were made entirely out of classified intelligence reports he found around the house."
“I haven’t had a day off in the last six years," she continued.
Though it is clear the President or someone failed to protect classified information, it is not certain how to proceed in holding those responsible accountable for their actions.
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“This is a delicate situation,” Army Spc. Ben Mason, one of the nation’s top barracks lawyers, told Duffel Blog. “He’s the sitting president, but some of these documents have been unaccounted for since he was the VP. My advice would be to demand a trial by courts-martial and then find himself not guilty since, you know, he’s the Commander-in-Chief.”
President Biden is not the only senior government official in the past few years to face criticism for mishandling classified information. Both former President Trump and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton allegedly mishandled classified information, demonstrating that careless handling of our nation’s top secrets is a practice that both political parties can support.
To prevent senior government officials from mishandling classified information in the future, the White House has released a statement saying it will make insider threat and information security training a weekly requirement for servicemembers and other government employees.
"I don’t know why they’re making a big deal about all of this," Franklin said as he shredded a few NSA reports found at the back of the President’s toilet. “I’m sure lots of people make mistakes like this every day and they’re probably never punished.”
“Maybe we’ll get that pizza party next month,” he said hopefully.
At press time, the Secret Service had tackled a cleaning lady who was using Top Secret documents from the bin Laden raid to wipe down windows and mirrors in the President’s Delaware home.