WASHINGTON, DC — After multiple caches of highly classified government documents were found in different locations belonging to President Joe Biden, the United States Department of Justice acted swiftly to indict former President Donald Trump for the alleged crime.
"This is a serious violation of federal regulations," Attorney General Merrick Garland said in a press briefing announcing the indictment. "We will take all measures available to the Justice Department to hold Donald Trump accountable for President Biden being found in possession of these documents."
"No one is above the law."
Sensitive documents related to Ukraine, Iran, and the UK were found in an office used by Biden at the University of Pennsylvania, though investigations as to what Biden was doing for the University were still ongoing. "President Biden played such a vital role here at the University," said school spokesperson Barry Windham. "He was the head of various committees here at the school, including the…the, uh…he... so many things."
When news of the indictment broke, Trump was quick to offer his response. "How can they indict me for something Biden did? How does that make any sense?" the former President said in a post to his Truth Social account. "I was in possession of the most beautiful, perfectly filed documents WHICH I DECLASSIFIED MYSELF. This is just another WITCH HUNT! WRONG!"
At publishing time, more searches were reportedly already underway at other locations belonging to Biden, including his White House nap room and his Spongebob Squarepants lunchbox, in hopes of gathering more evidence to use against Donald Trump.