KYIV, UKRAINE — Tragedy struck Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky Friday as he shot himself in the eye with a rocket launcher he had received only days before as a gift from the United States.
Zelensky was eager to try out his new gift in the backyard of his home. Unfortunately, the target of Russian President Vladimir Putin he set up was too close to his garage, causing the rocket to ricochet back and hit him in the eye. A source on the scene reported that Zelensky yelled out "Oh, fudge!" before falling to the ground in pain.
Zelensky had appeared before Congress earlier in the week asking for additional funds to support his country's war with Russia. He also made an impassioned plea for his own gift: an official, carbine action, 200 shot, range model rocket launcher with a compass in the stock and this thing which tells time.
Congress initially denied the request, with Nancy Pelosi saying that rocket launchers are dangerous and "you'll shoot your eye out." But Mitch McConnell ultimately came through, telling Zelensky that he had a similar rocket launcher when he was just eight years old.
Fortunately for the Ukrainian president, he was wearing his glasses at the time which protected his eye from any permanent damage. In the aftermath of the accident, Zelensky was able to work up some fake tears and persuade Congress to give him another $47 billion for a new pair of glasses.