WASHINGTON, DC — The world has never been closer to the brink of total nuclear annihilation, according to President Joe Biden's comments at a press conference in between strategy sessions to continue waging his proxy war with nuclear-armed Russia.
"This is a dangerous time, folks," Biden said to the assembled media. "No other leader has brought our nation — and the world — closer to nuclear destruction than I have in my short time as President." Reporters were puzzled as to why Biden seemed to be lauding this as an achievement, though they all agreed these were some of the more coherent comments he's made as of late.
The statement of foreboding was odd in that the Biden administration continues to funnel billions of dollars in aid and military weaponry to arm the Ukrainians in their ongoing war with Russia. Former President Donald Trump was quick to take Biden to task in a statement released on his Truth Social account. "We experienced the biggest time of peace and economic prosperity during my wonderful presidency, the greatest presidency of all time, maybe even in all history, so much big, beautiful peace. Now Biden has completely thrown it all away and is going to get everybody nuked! Sad!"
At publishing time, Biden continued to sound the alarm about escalating tensions with Russia. "Now is the time for swift, decisive leadership. Now is the time to put an end to…and end to…to…you know…waffle maker," Biden said before being whisked away to his secure basement shelter beneath the White House.