LOS ANGELES, CA — Governor Gavin Newsom has declared a power grid emergency due to energy usage being at a 5-year high. Still, Newsom has assured everyone that they will have plenty of electricity to spare as soon as everyone leaves the state to live in Florida instead.
"Everyone, I understand your frustration, but by the end of the year with everyone leaving California, we're gonna cut our energy usage in half!" explained Governor Newsom. "In fact, so many are headed for Florida that the few of us who remain will be able to do cool stuff like use air conditioning and charge iPhones!"
Newsom explained that he's optimistic that as more and more abandon the unlivable, unaffordable mess he's making out of California, this will create a surplus in all resources for all who remain.
"Look, folks, anyone willing to stoop so low as to move to a state with plentiful energy, strong education, and safe neighborhoods without hundreds of homeless is not Californian at all," added Newsom. "And to people like that, we say GOOD RIDDANCE!"
At publishing time, Gavin Newsom realized he'd made a huge mistake as the only people left in California were now himself and 200,000 homeless people.