LOS ANGELES, CA — According to sources, local woman Carli Bamkins — who was a tomboy in the '90s — is thanking God she didn't grow up today when her boobs would get hacked off by a gender surgeon.
"When I was a little girl, I loved Nerf guns and BMX bikes and wearing boyish clothes. As I grew up I became more feminine and now I'm married with 3 beautiful kids," said Bamkins. "If I had grown up today, they would've chopped me up, drugged me, put me in a GSA club, and tried to turn me into a boy! Bullet dodged!"
Gender theorists disagreed with her assessment, suggesting she may be missing out on her true calling as a man. "It's a pity our society wasn't as enlightened about transgenderism a quarter century ago," said Dr. Joe Mengele, clinical psychologist and gender studies expert at Johns Hopkins University. "Millions of young girls in the ‘90s really missed out on having their bodies irreparably mutilated by me during early adolescence. With today's more modern understanding, we are finally free to destroy the futures of young girls who just like wearing hoodies and playing sports."
Gender experts are warning that girls may end up like Carli Bamkins unless they listen to the science by cutting off their boobs, removing their wombs, and drugging themselves with testosterone at the first sign of any "non-feminine" tendencies. "If you find yourself not conforming to every womanly stereotype, it's important you come and let us perform extensive plastic surgery on your preadolescent body as soon as possible," said Mengele.
Mengele then reported Bamkins on social media for transphobia.