SRI JAYAWARDENEPURA KOTTE — The Sri Lankan government's sensible plan to become a green, climate-friendly utopia has experienced a slight hiccup after the nation's 22 million citizens have run out of food, fuel, and hope.
Advised by green activists and intellectuals, the Sri Lankan President's sprawling, vibrant agenda that included forced organic farming, massive debt to China, and skimming millions for personal gain — was actually quite successful for the first seven minutes.
"You know, if it weren't for the inconvenient starvation of the entire populace, our program was working," said President Gotabaya Rajapaksa while fleeing on an eco-friendly, zero-carbon, upcycled, bamboo fiber raft with suitcases full of Sri Lankan dollars. "That's the problem with people, they always tarnish progressive policies by dying from them."
After the Sri Lankan people noticed that they were, quite suddenly, without food or jobs or fuel or security, millions of them paid a personal visit to the presidential palace to recommend some slight changes to the president's agenda.
At publishing time, liberals were reminding everyone that it was Capitalism's fault.