EXCLUSIVE: The Wildly Inaccurate Dianny News Service has learned that just minutes after Prime Minister Boris Johnson resigned, President Biden placed a call to Buckingham Palace to speak with Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, offering to appoint Britain’s first black woman prime minister.
A source familiar with the call, who spoke with the Wildly Inaccurate Dianny News Service anonymously, said the president told the Queen that he got a lot of great press after he nominated the first black woman Supreme Court justice in US history, Jumanji Brown Jackson.
According to the source, the president told the Queen, “It’ll be HISTORIC” and added that he would be happy to use his influence with the blacks to choose the ideal first black woman prime minister.
Initially, the president suggested the Queen’s granddaughter-in-law Meghan Markle, but dismissed the idea, telling the Queen, “If you’re as pale as Audrey Hepburn, then you ain’t black enough to make history!”
The source was unable to hear both sides of the phone call but said Queen Elizabeth’s voice was loud enough at times to hear snippets of what she said.
The Queen reportedly used the phrases “cheerio,” “that’s barmy,” “what, what,” and “Oi, mate” during the course of the call.
While the source couldn’t remember in what context all of these phrases were used, the Queen reportedly said “that’s barmy” after the president first offered to appoint the first black woman prime minister.
“I’m fairly sure she wasn’t saying a first black woman prime minister was barmy,” our source explained, “only that it was barmy for the President of the United States to be the one to appoint the first black woman prime minister.”
According to the source, the Queen ended the conversation by saying, “I don’t believe so, but ta very much, President Bodleian.”
CORRECTION:
After this report was published, it was learned that the call was not put through to Buckingham Palace as initially reported. Instead, chief of staff Ron Klain directed the call to the sous-chef in the White House kitchen who reportedly does a spot-on impersonation of Her Majesty the Queen.
Our source reached out to confirm this detail, adding that the sous-chef in question can also pull off the most convincing Mrs. Hughes from Downton Abbey.
The source also confirmed that this sous-chef is a man.
CORRECTION #2:
After this report and the above correction were published, we received an email from our source who clarified that the president did not under any circumstances refer to Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson as “Jumanji Brown Jackson.”
The president referred to her as “Jumanji Jackson Five.”
“When I went down to the White House kitchen,” the source explained in the email, “everyone there was singing ‘ABC is easy as one, two, three, as simple as Do Re Mi’ and I realized I got it wrong.”