TALLAHASSEE, FL—In a recent study conducted by the Department of Education, it was found that Florida students K-3 are quickly improving in math and reading. Unfortunately, they have fallen to dead last in the nation in one crucial area: intimate knowledge of their teachers' sex lives.
"This is all thanks to DeSantis's bigoted 'Don't Say Gay' bill," said local kindergarten teacher Jimbo Pandy (he/him) to reporters. "I am no longer allowed to describe my sexual encounters from last weekend to my 5-year-old students, which has greatly crippled their sexual exploration. I thought this was America! What happened to freedom of speech?"
Independent sources also confirmed that Florida students are falling behind in gender confusion, queer history, sexual technique, and abortion rates. Planned Parenthood, America's largest provider of abortion and transgender hormones, warns that if these trends continue they might make less money.
"DeSantis must be stopped before it's too late... for our Q2 projections," said regional Planned Parenthood director Amy Blud.
Experts warn that if these trends continue, we may see a resurgence in traditional sexual ethics taught by parents, leaving kids woefully unprepared for college gender studies.