U.S.—Justice Clarence Thomas walked out to get his mail this morning and found a surprise in his mailbox. According to sources, he was lucky enough to receive an invitation to celebrate Kentanji Brown Jackson’s confirmation as the nation’s first black Supreme Court Justice.
"Yippee! I feel so honored to have been invited to such a historic celebration!" said the longtime originalist justice appointed by George H.W. Bush. "Wow—the first black Supreme Court Justice. Who would have thought I'd see such a day?"
Justice Thomas then dropped the rest of the mail and jumped up and down while clutching the RSVP made of pink, lacy stationery.
Several critics have opposed Thomas's invitation to KBJ's barrier-breaking confirmation party. "This day is a victory for black people, not white people like Clarence Thomas," said Betina McSwan, an activist for the group Demand Justice. "He opposed reparations and affirmative action just because it violates the Constitution. Then he voted for Trump, so he ain't black!"
Others were confused by the invitation, saying that Thurgood Marshall deserves to be honored as the first black Supreme Court Justice due to his being the first black Supreme Court Justice.
"That's ridiculous," said McSwan. "Blackness isn't skin color, but is more of an idea, like Antifa, gender, and the Constitution."
At publishing time, Thomas decided not to attend after finding he was only invited so the January 6 committee could bug his house.