WASHINGTON, D.C.—Beloved health expert Dr. Fauci has made his way into the spotlight again—this time with new recommendations for keeping safe during a nuclear strike should Putin do the unthinkable.
"Should we face a catastrophic nuclear war scenario, it's important to stay protected from all the nuclear fallout," said Fauci in his trademark Fauci voice. "To keep all the nuclear fallout out of your nose and mouth, you should probably wear at least three masks. Maybe even four masks. The science isn't clear right now. But I would say at least three masks. Maybe four or five though, just to be safe. Actually, maybe six. And another one over your eyes too."
Fauci went on to explain that proper social distancing will also be essential, as it will prevent your nuclear fallout from jumping to another person. "Ideally, everyone should probably have their own personal fallout shelter just to maintain proper distancing," he said.
Fauci assured everyone that if they follow the science by listening to his every command, "they will be ok. Probably. But also maybe probably not."
In unrelated news, the NIH has approved $12 million in funding for experiments on irradiated mutant creatures.