WASHINGTON, D.C.—To assist the Ukrainian people, the president has directed the FBI to begin monitoring social media accounts and taking note of anyone who hasn't updated their profile picture to the Ukrainian flag. All users found out of compliance will be added to the FBI Terror Watchlist.
The new initiative from within the Federal Bureau of Investigation will automatically scan everyone's social media profiles and red-flag those who don't have a Ukrainian flag as their profile picture or, at very minimum, a border around their avatar proclaiming "I stand with Ukraine" or "Let's start World War III now!"
"We've got to keep an eye on these dangerous extremists who aren't supporting the current thing," said one FBI agent as he and a partner monitored the account of one woman in Arkansas who had not yet put up the Ukrainian flag on any of her social profiles. "Why aren't they supporting the current thing? What's so difficult about this?"
"We made it very clear that you're supposed to support the current thing!" he shouted, slamming his fist on the table and angrily chomping on his cigar.
At publishing time, people who had not yet declared that Rachel Levine was a biological woman were also added to the Terror Watchlist.