To Ensure No Sex Scandals, CNN Replaces All Anchors With Mike Pence
- BabylonBee.com
ATLANTA, GA—As CNN President Jeff Zucker and every other news anchor
prepares to step down due to various disgusting allegations of criminal
sexual perversion and adultery, the embattled fake news organization has
announced that, to keep this from happening in the future, they will be
replacing all anchors and leadership positions with Mike Pence.
"I'm truly humbled to serve as CNN's new President, CEO, Primetime Anchor, Reliable Sources Anchor, Newsroom Anchor, Inside Politics Anchor, New Day Anchor, Situation Room Anchor, State of the Union Anchor, and Tonight Anchor," said Pence. "I will do my best to restore dignity, trustworthiness, and marital fidelity to the Cable News Network."
Sources say Pence will also serve as Executive Producer, camera operator, and makeup artist for each show.
"It's
too late for CNN to restore credibility to their disgraceful
organization," said Tucker Carlson on his show later that night. "Not
even Mike Pence can save them." Carlson then made a baffled expression
at the camera for a full 10 minutes before bursting into uproarious
laughter.
The Babylon Bee's female politics reporter reached out
to Pence for comment, but he refused to give a statement as his wife
wasn't present.
