WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Biden administration announced it has begun what is sure to be a lengthy, arduous process of stranding hundreds of Americans in a war zone.
"We took a long, hard look in the mirror after what happened in Afghanistan and realized - wow! We did such a good job!" said Secretary of State Anthony Blinken. "It was like the Berlin Airlift and Black Hawk Down had a beautiful love child, and that was our evacuation. We can only hope to make a second beautiful baby just like it over in Ukraine."
The State Department immediately began sending out contradictory memos as to how to evacuate, crashed their system to process visas, then declared the only extraction point to be right behind a bunch of Russian tanks. The military brass declined to help secure the evacuation as they were busy making popcorn while watching cool bombers fly over Taiwan.
As the area descended into chaos, President Biden issued a statement reassuring Americans in Ukraine that we do not have the resources to evacuate them, and they are completely on their own. Biden did join in tweeting out '#IStandWithUkraine', but clarified he only did it to be ironic because he literally told Putin that he could invade Ukraine if he liked.
At publishing time, the Ukrainian government issued a warning for children to remain underground to avoid drone strikes from President Biden during the evacuation.