PENTAGON—In response to Russia's minor incursion into Ukraine, the Pentagon has issued a directive for all military personnel to ramp up their diversity and inclusion training.
"If we are to go toe-to-toe with Russia, we need to wield our most powerful weapon: diversity," said General Mark Milley to reporters while waiting for his fresh manicure to dry. "Starting today, our top priority is to make sure all Marines, Airmen, Seamen, and Soldiers have completed modules 1-17 of our mandatory whiteness and gender studies training."
In a statement, President Joe Biden voiced support for the inclusivity directive, emphasizing unity, diversity, and hating anyone who thinks differently.
"Look, Jack," said Biden to a model in a Sears catalog he mistook for his secretary. "Russia is going to come down hard on Ukraine unless we enforce gender inclusivity and minority representation in our military. "This is important, folks, no joke! For real! Gotta do this stuff! I'm not kidding! Trunalimunumaprzure!"
All military personnel have dropped all other training exercises to complete the modules.
"OK MEN! SCHOOL CIRCLE RIGHT NOW!" said Marine Sergeant Jack "Butcher" McCree, his platoon of riflemen training out in the field. "We have to complete this course on transgender furry BDSM and how it affects indigenous people of color! GO! GO! GO!"
Senators Ted Cruz and Rand Paul introduced a bill to ban what they called "pointless military training" which questioned what benefit furries bring to the military but they were booed by a gaggle of CNN and NBC reporters.