WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a surprise move, President Biden gave Russia the green light to launch an invasion into Ukraine, with the small caveat that they don't blow up the oil company paying for Hunter's art lessons.
"I looked Vladimir straight in the eye," said President Biden in a haunting whisper. "I told him, I said - 'Vlady boy, I know you're going to invade Ukraine. I know, because every major news network in the world says so. So let's get one thing straight. I'm okay with it. I don't like Ukrainians with all their borscht, it upsets my tummy. But that oil company pays Hunter $50K a month, and do you know how expensive art lessons are these days, Vlad? You lay one finger on Burisma's boardroom, and so help me I will nuke Stalingrad.'"
Ukrainian officials were reportedly caught off guard, and a little perturbed, by President Biden's approval of them being invaded. "I thought we were friends. I gave him all that borscht," said President Zelensky. "What even is a 'minor invasion'? Is this some American term I don't know? I thought I heard him say that before about a woman named Tara Reade. Get me my translator!"
Elsewhere, Chinese officials announced they were happy to hear that President Biden would be in support of their performing a "minor invasion" into Taiwan. Afghanis thanked President Biden for allowing the Taliban to only perform a minor takeover, and January 6th rioters asked to have their breaking into the Capitol re-classified as a "minor incursion".