Bullies. Food Fights. Math. Systemic Heteronormative Racism. Public schools are truly Sheol on earth. But, if we've learned anything from the Book of Job it's that suffering can also be an opportunity for important life lessons.
Look upon these eight important life lessons your child will learn in public school—and despair.
1) Mental illness is cool and all the cool kids have at least one or two: If your child is well-adjusted, have them open up the APA Dictionary of Psychology and pick a few. You don't want them to be unpopular, do you?
2) All microaggressions are best answered with a punch in the throat: Almost anything your kids do or say will offend someone somewhere in the world, so make sure they are prepared for throat punches.
3) If you're a girl, always carry pepper spray into the restroom to ward off all the biological males who are now allowed in the bathroom for some reason: They're like stronger versions of women. A true win for inclusivity, but your daughters will disagree.
4) Also, if you're a girl, are you sure?: Maybe you're a boy. Maybe you're an electric eel!
5) If you're white, slavery was your fault, even if your ancestors came to this country in 1910 or died fighting for the North: Identifying as non-white won't get your kids out of this one. Unless they're Elizabeth Warren.
6) It's bullying to hang someone's underwear on the flagpole, but it's racist to hang the American flag on the flagpole: So why is there even a flagpole?
7) It's no big deal if you get pregnant at 14 because the Planned Parenthood abortion van shows up every day at 1 pm: All birthing persons welcome.
8) And whatever you do, DON'T MISGENDER Mandy the 3rd-grade teacher: Zhe is very sensitive about zeir beard.