NEW YORK, NY—New Yorkers are having mixed feelings about the NYPD's new stop-and-forcibly-vaccinate policy. The controversial policy would be the first in the nation to allow police officers to inject the COVID-19 vaccine into any motorist or pedestrian they choose to profile based on their appearance.
“Some people say it infringes on their right to decide whether to inject a substance into their own bodies,” said NYPD’s Chief of Police while demonstrating how to retrofit syringes onto standard-issue tasers. “But then again, others believe unvaccinated New Yorkers are like leprous zombies who explode on contact. This policy is meant to reduce the number of leprous zombie explosions during Broadway shows, I guess.”
Mayor Bill De Blasio took some time away from watching a SWAT unit use a Gatling gun to pepper a passing school bus with hundreds of syringes, and explained the importance of this new policy.
“You see, the Omnomicromicon variant is the most dangerous variant in the known universe; it vaporizes its victims on contact, and spreads virally through our thoughts and feelings, according to MSNBC. The only way to stop it is through a powerful, unstoppable, totalitarian police state!”
When reminded that such a policy would end up targeting black and minority communities most, the mayor replied, “Who cares? They’ll still vote me in as governor next year!”