EDWARDSVILLE, IL—After a devastating tornado ripped through an Amazon warehouse, tragically killing several workers, Bezos ordered the workers to get back to work and dig through all the rubble until every order has been filled.
"The time for mourning is past!" yelled Bezos from his helicopter as the injured and deceased were being pulled from the wreckage. "At Amazon, we pride ourselves in our great customer service! Now get back in there and start building orders! What are you waiting for, you lazy minions? BWAAA HAHAHAHAHA!"
Workers have been reminded that any injuries sustained by digging through the twisted metal of the collapsed building will not be covered by company insurance and that all bathroom breaks will be subtracted from their pay. Any delivery drivers who deliver late due to the catastrophic tornado will be fired immediately.
"If you all had worked a little faster and gotten the orders out before the tornado hit, maybe we wouldn't be in this predicament," said Bezos from a deck chair on his superyacht.
Amazon workers responded by trying to form a union to win the right to not work in the middle of a devastating tornado, but Bezos quickly fired them all.