WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a bold, yet unsurprising move, the Biden administration presented the case in favor of abortion by calling their first expert witness, Satan.
“Your honors, we would like to call our first expert witness to the stand, the Father of Lies,” said the administration’s head attorney over baby murder, Lloyd Butcher. “The Great Red Dragon’s experience as a consultant with some of history’s most heinous and barbaric civilizations makes him more than qualified to give an expert opinion on the matter of abortion.”
Some Supreme Court justices appeared uncomfortable as the Angel of the Bottomless Pit took the stand, wearing a tailored suit and filling the courtroom with malevolent odors of sulfur and brimstone. Justice Sotomayor seemed fine.
Responding to the question about whether a fetus is a living being, Beelzebub replied with a protracted speech in a silky-smooth voice, weaving through notions of heartbeats, cell division, statistics, historical precedent, the basic human rights of having successful careers, and lifestyle convenience.
By the end of Satan’s effusion of worldly justifications for destroying an innocent life, nearly everyone in the courtroom was nodding along in agreement, eyes glazed over.
Justice Amy Coney Barrett stood, cast the Adversary back into the eternal pits of Hell, then went back to her knitting.