PANGEA—With President Biden unable or too sleepy to do anything about the rising gas prices, former President Donald Trump has come to the rescue. He has funded the creation of a time machine so he can go back in time and kill dinosaurs so they can become more fossil fuels.
“It’s the best time machine, the greatest,” announced Donald Trump as he geared up to kill dinosaurs. “It’s the only one with ‘TRUMP’ written on it in big letters.”
Trump says his plan, inspired by famous native American Turok, is to go back somewhere between 6 thousand and 240 million years ago to the time of the dinosaurs and just start killing as many as he can. He says he’ll be careful not to step on any butterflies, though, as that could mess up the timeline, but it’s “open season on all the dinos.”
“The more dead dinosaurs, the more oil—that’s how it works,” explained Trump.
He then showed off the weapons he was going to bring: a bow and arrow for traditional dinosaur hunting; some piano wire in case he wants to strangle a few dinosaurs silently; and weaponry for larger dinosaurs. “I thought I would need silver bullets, because that’s a T-Rex’s weakness,” said Trump. “But it ends up I was thinking of werewolves. A T-Rex’s weakness is a LAW rocket launcher.”
Some have criticized Trump’s plan, though, pointing out that all the dinosaurs would die anyway, so going back and murdering them doesn’t do anything. Also, they pointed out that crude oil actually comes from the remains of long-dead algae and zooplankton. Trump called all of these people nerds and gave them wedgies before hopping into his time machine, ready for an orgy of dino murder.