ATLANTA, GA—The Director of the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention issued a statement Friday reminding US citizens to trust the CDC to make important health decisions for them despite the agency’s glaring inability to use a single word that has defined 50% of the world’s population for millennia.
The CDC stressed the importance of having absolute faith in the agency when it comes to life-altering health decisions, while also proving repeatedly over the past 18 months how easily it can be bullied, manipulated, and politicized into misinforming, backtracking, even lying to the American people.
“Trust the Science,” said CDC Director Rochelle Walensky while dabbing beads of sweat from her forehead and looking over her shoulder at the pink-haired consultant holding a rainbow-colored binder labeled “Genders” in one hand and a taser in the other.
“When it comes to COVID-19, Far few wom—err—far few walking cell clump incubators have been vaccinated against the virus. We urge all impregnated cell division catalyzing stations to reduce their 100% risk of death by receiving the vaccine which has been proven to be 110% safe for all complex cellular growth transportation organisms.”
Following the statement, Director Walensky offered the press a warm smile while waiting for the consultant to remove the thumbscrew.