WASHINGTON, D.C.—Terrorists are being released from Guantanamo Bay in order to make room for parents protesting their children's education, sources at the State Department confirmed today. Dangerous terrorists from the Middle East, Europe, and Fresno are being released in droves as their cells are needed for this far greater threat. "See you later, Bob!" said one guard as he sent Bob the Bombin' Terrorist Guy out of the prison facility on a helicopter. "Good times playing cribbage and all that—I'll get you next time! Have a good one!" The guard then waited for the next load of detainees to arrive, and took custody of Cindy Alpers from Orange, California. "Right this way, Cindy. You'll be in a high-security cell. It's the same one Murderin' Steve stayed in for a couple of decades. Ah, Murderin' Steve. I miss that guy."