LOUDOUN COUNTY, VA—Former President Barack Obama, voice of the people, owner of mansions, scolded a young student who was raped in her high school bathroom, telling her to stop peddling fake outrage just to boost the ratings of right-wing media grifters.
“You should be ashamed of yourself young lady,” said the first black, foreign-born US President while winking at a fawning journalist. “Instead of stoking anger aimed at school boards and administrators, you should be making it easier for teachers and schools to give kids the world-class indoctrination they deserve.”
The victim of egregious sexual assault was saddened to realize her actions of being raped by a skirt-wearing male student in a gender-fluid bathroom caused so much pain and inconvenience for school administrators, school boards, and politicians.
Other parents who had been skirting the line of domestic terrorism by speaking loudly at school board meetings over trifling matters such as literal porn in school libraries, apologized profusely following a reprimand for wasting people’s time.
After being told by all mainstream media outlets that his words were as the holy revelation of a resplendent god, Barack Obama flew home to write a memoir about it.