PHOENIX, AZ—Democrats are having trouble with their Senator from Arizona, Kyrsten Sinema, who is stopping her party from randomly spending $3.5 trillion, and they aren’t taking it lying down. Though Sinema isn’t up for reelection until 2024, Arizona Democrats are already looking for a possible replacement. This time, they hope to be more careful and make sure whatever woman they put in the Senate will be submissive and obedient.
“I used to love mavericks,” explained Arizona Democrat Horace Black. “It was great when John McCain was a maverick and would muck up whatever the Republicans were trying to do. I guess I’ve evolved on the issue, though, because now Sinema is a maverick, and I suddenly hate mavericks.” He balled up his fist. “I hate her so much! She has to go!”
The Democrats have put out a want ad to help find a new candidate, which reads: “Looking for female willing to be Democratic Senator. Must be good at doing exactly what she’s told without question. Also, she can’t make a big deal out of it if we film her in the bathroom.”
“Independent women are fine,” said Democrat Mitchell Hanson, who helped write the ad. “As long as they’re independent in ways we specifically say they’re allowed to be. But when it’s time for an important vote, we don’t want some lippy broad who won’t fall in line. That gets in the way of progressivism and feminism.”