SAN FRANCISCO, CA—During a rally in Nancy Pelosi's district today, several prominent Democrats called for more nationwide lockdowns to combat the new COVID variants.
"It's important to understand—true lockdowns have never been tried," said Pelosi. "The last time we tried it, we had too many exceptions and the Trump Administration managed it very poorly. If we enact new 'Democratic Lockdowns' with the right people in charge, that will be just what we need to fight the virus and it will definitely work this time."
Democrats are proposing new "Democratic Lockdowns" as a cure for every problem America faces—from COVID and climate change to systemic racism.
"If we just make all the pesky people stay in their houses forever, we'll have no more problems," said Congresswoman Jackie Speier. "I realized that after I realized almost all the problems are caused by people!"
Democrats will be proposing new legislation next week mandating permanent lockdowns for everyone entitled the "For the Good of All People Act".
Republicans responded with a conservative proposal to lock everyone down for just a few months instead.