ATLANTA, GA—After a tumultuous 3 weeks and a botched withdrawal from Afghanistan, internal polls now indicate that Biden's approval rating among those who work at CNN has fallen to an all-time low of 98%.
"This is extremely concerning," said CNN president Jeffrey Zucker. "In spite of our best efforts to support our dear president, his approval among our employees has fallen to just 98%, down from a previous low of 99.2%. Rest assured—we will find who these employees are who disapprove and ensure they undergo disciplinary measures."
Some anonymous sources have suggested that Biden's approval rating at CNN is actually much lower, but that most employees have lied on the survey in order to keep their jobs. To find out who's lying, Zucker will be mandating lie detector tests for all employees.
The survey did confirm, however, that CNN employee approval of Communist China, Big Tech, and Jeffrey Toobin still remains at a healthy 100%, at least among those named Jeffrey Toobin.