WASHINGTON, DC—Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin explained to the press that the world's greatest military superpower will simply have to cross its fingers that Americans can get out of Afghanistan alive because we don't have things like planes or guns to help get people out.
"The military would really love to help, but we just can't," said Secretary Austin. "Fighting terrorists, securing safe passage to airports, flying planes—that's just not our thing. We're more into diversity training and free gender transition surgeries, to be honest. That's the stuff that's more in our wheelhouse."
According to sources, the government is still managing to detain hundreds of thousands of people at the southern border. When asked by reporters why the government has the capacity for one and not the other, the Defense Secretary just shrugged and said "Huh. I dunno. I just work here. Did I mention I'm the first African American Secretary of Defense? That's pretty cool, huh? I have that goin' for me anyway."
The Defense Secretary confirmed they plan to just have the military wait around at the Kabul Airport eating MREs and drinking RipIt energy drinks until hopefully, some Americans show up to the planes thanks to the Taliban giving them safe passage.
"Yeah, we totally trust the Taliban, they're great guys," said Austin.